here it comes again. the feeling of being left out. god they always have to rub it in my face that they are all such good friends and i'm not part of that. UGH! they always do shit together i dont even know how i consider them my friends. they go to concerts and sleepovers together then dont invite me then talk about it in front of me about how much fun they had. and here it goes again. they are going to a fallout boy concert in nov. i mean she tried to pull it off like she was inviting me but they already got the tickets so i was basically inviting myself. well dont i feel specail. NO i DONT i feel left out and hurt. and i'm crying now. its worse to get hurt by your friends than your enemies. i mean b/c your friends you consider close to you and you can trust them. and it just hurts that they dont even think to at least show some descresion in talking about how much fun they have w/o me.

i HATE HOW SHE MAKES A CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS!!!! OMGFFJLSDJFL;KSDJF;LKSDJKFSFOEWIRUNBHBYDSOFIJDSMDFLKJBLKJDSOFIEUROIEWJFOIEWJFIO

complaining about my body...again
ok so none of my friends understand me. i mean they are all like 100 lbs lighter than me. (well maybe more like 30-60) but i mean they just dont! they dont have to wake up every morning knowing that they have to look like this they dont spend most of my nights crying over how i look. and i did like two years of sit ups everynight just to get this far! and i've been doing sit ups and shit this summer. havent gotten anywhere. i just want to die. i hate waking up in the morning going into the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror. i almost cry everyday everytime i see a mirror. everytime i go shopping trying to find something that fits me. i just want to die everytime i find a shirt that's and x-large that doesnt fit. thats why i stick to shoe and purse shopping mostly. i mean i find pants and stuff that fit fine but not shirts and i have like two t-shirts that fit me but i still wear a jacket to cover myself up. even if its 100 degrees (literally) i have a jacket on. i wish i could get lypo. idc just not to look this way anymore. my friends say i'm pretty but they dont have to live with looking like this and they are just being nice and good friends. but i know the truth. i'm fat. i'm ugly. and i cant stand it.lskdjflksdjflksdjfl i mean what else does a girl have to do to lose some fucking weight? why cant i just be pretty like my friends i hate being the fat friend. they dont know what its like. they dont know what its like to go to a mall and being the ugliest person in the group. they dont. they dont they dont they dont. they dlasjdflksjdflksdjflkjadflkjdsDONT and they ugh. they dont even know how lucky they are that they arent the ugliest. b/c its so depressing. i'm seriously surpirised i havent run away or resorted to cutting myself or anything. i just want to die. but i couldnt kill myself. not b/c i'd miss life but b/c i'm too afraid. i'm not good with physical pain. and idk i wish i could be able to. b/c then i'd be gone and they wouldnt have to have an ugly friend. and i wouldnt have to be the ugly friend. its not fair to me that i'm the only one who is like this. its just NOT.

Mood:  not sure
ok so i just felt like typing. so... like i think i'm a pretty good daughter and all because i listen to my parents i hardly ever lie and when i do its something stupid like cleaning under my bed. when lets face i could be doing a million times worse like say something my friend has done in the last few days going to a party and getting drunk, making out with a guy on the bathroom floor thats three years older than me. hmmm.. yeah. or doing drugs and having sex everyother (or every) night. (no my friends haven't done drugs or had sex everyother night but you get the idea) god i feel like such a goodie goodie! ugh. i hate it. my friends are all like making out and getting drunk and the most alcohol i've had is like a sip of my mom or dad's sex on the beach! and its not even pure alcohol.it has orange juice on it. and i havent even kissed a guy. a kiss on the cheek and forehead is it! and ok i cuddeled with a guy at a movie...that my mom didnt know about... but still! i mean i'm pathetic. i havent even had a real boyfriend and my best friend has had like 10 and we are the same age (granted she is like a million times prettier than me) but she did stuff like smoking when she was like 10. her sister (who is younger) stole stuff.i mean its not like i like to be this way. its that no one would even believe me if i did do those things b/c i'm goodie tooshoes. there is this rebel that wants to get out. if i had a boyfriend or i was "cool" enough to go to a drinking party (cool meaning i was friends w/those kind of ppl) i would change everyones mind about me. but sadly i have neither. so i sit here at my computer (basically every night even on weekends) and talk to my friends. (who are just as goodie tooshoey as me) and back to my original point. i'm a good daughter. i always am quiet when my mom wants to sleep (my brothers werent) i clean up the kitchen when it gets dirty (and she doesnt even thank me) i do the dishes, i let everything in life be about everyone else b/s me. i mean my birthday was the same day as my mom and dads anniversarry. and that was crap b/c we spent hardly anytime on my birthday when they went out and did w/e. and now my mom talks 24/7 (when she isnt at meetings and sleeping) talking to her boyfriend (which did i mention i dont have one?) and then whenever he comes into town (hes a semi driver) she makes everything about him and her and i feel totally like the third wheel which isnt fun at all. then when i go over to my dads its a little better. he pays more attention to me than my mom. but he still gives lorie (his wife) everything and never punishes andrea (step sister) but always punishes my (real) brother zach. i mean i cant be mad at my dad. but i can at my mom. maybe its b/c i spend more time w/my mom and only every other weekend w/my dad. even though he gives lorie w/e she wants he tries to make my weekends with him more about me. (which angers my brother he's older btw 18 and my oldest brother robbie is 19 and i'm 15 almost 16) oh and when my parents got divorced both of my brothers were pissed and everything so i felt like i had to be there for them since it was hard for them. never letting myself show how hard it is on me. i went to counsuling (only cuzz my mom made me) and i never really told the truth about how i felt. i said i was just fine. i've learned to lie like that. or joke it off. and when my mom lost her job (b/c she was using narcatics *sp*) and she was going through thearapy i had to be there for her so that she wouldnt have to worry about me being mad at her or upset with her b/c its hard to go through and admitting stuff she had to. but i never got to tell her how pissed off i was that she lost her job b/c of something stupid. i mean now she wont have a job until school starts i wont get new school clothes like all of my friends or anything. and its not fair for me to go through that just b/c of something stupid that she did. (ok so i lied b4 i do lie about things bigger than not cleaning under my bed) but thats what makes me a good daughter. i'm there for my parents when they need me. and i never make anything about me. and even when i talk to my friend (grumpy) about david and how i feel left out she always says that she sorry and she feels like its her fault and i have to reassure her that it isnt even though i believe that if she wasnt there he would talk to me instead of her. but i cant tell her that. b/c it would hurt her. or when david told me he liked megan. i tried to hook them up like they wanted even though it almost killed me everytime he'd tell me how amazing she was. because i was wishing he'd say those things about me. and idk... i just feel so...unappreciated. well gtg <3 me

my physical insecurities
Mood:  not sure
ok so... i need to write about my insecurities. so lets say i'm standing with my hands above my head. i'm going to let us say "critique" all of my physical self. ok? ok. so starting with my hands, i like them they are slender i like my forearms they arent bad, i dont like my upper arms too fatty, ok my face its alright if you look at my pictures you can see it. my neck is alright down to my chest. so my chest is like pretty non-exsistant. i'm 16 almost all of my friends (there's like one who is an exception) have breasts. down to my abdomen area. needs to be thinner, skinnier, anything else (besides bigger or thicker) my hips are fine if they didnt have fat and blubber around them. i mean i'm not obese or anything. but i'm definately not thin or how i want to look. my legs...are long. and great except for my thighs. if only i could change my thighs that would be a perfect part of my body. my calfs are ok. i walk and play tennis and stuff so they arent too bad. and now my feet and toes, they are lovely. if you see the pictures in my album you would maybe possibly think that i looked ok. but if you saw a full body picture you would think "omg get that girl on a diet,stair-stepper,do crunches, anything!!!" or thats what i think when i see a picture of me. but let me tell you i've done all those just to get here. so idk what else to do. anyway i was taking a shower and thats what brought this up and about. but i have to go and dry my hair now. <3

I'm new!
Mood:  hug me
hi i'm new and i'm basically going to use this for ranting about mostly my friends and family i mean lets face it we all have friends that get on our nerves at some point. so yeah! <3 me